I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
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Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Customize Your Wedding.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.