My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
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Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…