*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
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[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Just as the prophecy foretold
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal