Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
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a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.