My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
You Might Also Like
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit