[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
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Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
WHY would you be happy about this?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
wtf is an acronym
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.