Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
You Might Also Like
Wait a second…
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.