Potatoes were such a good idea
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[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
You are not alone 💚
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me