A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
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Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
mood
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.