you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
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Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Time heals everything 🙂
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.