Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
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Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
#have a #great #PancakeDay
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.