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If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…