Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.