I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
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Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.