I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
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Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
just gave your address to some spiders
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.