I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
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I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?