[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
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Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.