a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
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Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
ouch
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
At least try to make it slightly believable
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.