A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
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cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.