DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
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Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Cannot stop laughing at this
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.