*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
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me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
LA today:
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-