Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
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[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
I’m having an out of money experience.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue