Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
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[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT