I hope Alan is OK
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The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”