damn he’s good
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wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
R.I.P.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
i love modern commerce
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it