do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
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I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.