Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
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Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.