HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
You Might Also Like
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
my retirement plan is braless
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here