My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
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I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
You know…for fall…
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.