[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
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Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I can’t wait!
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.