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[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Traveler’s camo
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?