I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
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Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college