professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
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As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am