*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*