Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
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funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.