Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
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My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?