[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
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Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”