[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
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Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
wtf management?!
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.