serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
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Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.