Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
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Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒