Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
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Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
cyclists
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses