Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
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me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus