Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
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[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
I thought this was funny lol
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.