Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
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Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
it was love at first sight
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road