I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
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If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
The 6 types of sex
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious