(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car