Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
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Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers