I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
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I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
The news is so predictable nowadays
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken