If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
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Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.