Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
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Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
How do dragons blow out candles?
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.